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Beyond the walls of distrusts womb begging for unfeigned truth. [entries|friends|calendar]
Trapped in distrusts womb

[ website | Pretentious imagery ]
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[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

Thank you, for being here tonight. [15 Jan 2013|01:28am]
[ mood | restless ]

It is a little past 1am, and it is at this time that I have rediscovered this venue for venting. I had been all day wandering around, finding no release for this overwhelming feeling of emptiness. And I find it amusing to realize that I am 26 now, I haven't posted anything here in years, and yet the theme is recurring, and pathetic at this age. I keep expecting something to happen, I don't know what exactly. Just something different. I opened my hotmail account hoping to find it there, maybe some news from an old friend, or a message from the ideal, but nothing. I remembered I had another account linked to it and there I was reminded of this website. An old friend, indeed.

It seems as though lately I've been feeling stuck. Just stuck. No longer on the sunny side of 20, I had expected to have experienced more of life by now. there is so much I've wanted to do, to see, to live, but perhaps I've been too scared, perhaps I never networked enough to feel I have viable opportunities awaiting me elsewhere. This year should be telling of my future. I will be completing my ESL teaching certification, and I might very well be enrolling at the local law school. But I don't know... I don't know if that's what I want to do, where I want to be. I keep feeling like there is something awaiting for me someplace else, I just need to arrive. but I haven't the slightest clue about where to start. I feel underaccomplished, mediocre. I feel I've let myself down in many ways, but I sincerely don't want to give up yet, despite having spent these last few days feeling like my soul just got up and quit my procrastinating body and set out to find some hapiness about the world.

I want to meet new people. I remember back in the day I would go online to forums, chatrooms, wherever, and just meet people, from all over the world. Every day someone new in my messenger account. People I'd never see but always remember, others I would meet and soon forget. I miss that. It's been so long though, that I wouldn't know where to start. If there is anyone out there reading this, would you be so kind as to suggest something for me? or feel free to message me. there is more to me than this current slump. And don't get discouraged by my past entries, this was my space to vent, whenvever I felt I would self-combust out of loneliness, but I've grown past my proclivity towards the morose and over-emotional. Today was just a necessary exception.

exhale

Ya tengo la N tatuada en la frente [30 Jul 2004|12:49am]
Un jugueteo apasionado y un beso ardiente demostraron ser la confirmacion definitiva de una relacion que hacen aproximadamente 7 meses comenzo el training para al fin ser promovida a el puesto de novi@s.

*pausa al beso bellakoso*
-"carmen, quieres ser mi novia?"
-"para variar vamos a decir que si"
*continua el beso* comienza musiquita mierdua mientras kenshin se pone emo* inicia pavera*
-"que moodbreaker" (digo yo)
-"carmen, prometeme que me vas a hacer feliz"
-"que jodio emo. acaso no lo estoy haciendo ahora?"
-"si"
-"emo de mierda."

que dia mas divertido aquel... y tan intenso que haria a cualquiera querer arrancarle los pantalones a su pareja. asi deberia ser toda relacion, quitenle el drama, añadanle algo de critica y comedia, y ahi esta. que mas necesito? si en el esta basicamente todo. desearia la muerte antes de ver esta relacion terminar... *suena el theme de psycho* tampoco asi, pero es como dije una vez y ahora edito para adaptarlo a el:

When I speak of baring crosses
you're the one i have to bare,
for the future holds its losses
and my heart is prone to tear
but for now i only need to hold you
in your eyes i am reborn
i would kill myself to capture this moment
and not have your loss to mourn.

quiero tanto a ese jodido bugarron... y espero q dure al menos par de meses, por lo menos hasta luego de nuestros cumpleaños en diciembre... de regalo quiero al menos un aniversario :P ahora solo queda esperar, pq con mi suerte lo que falta es q me ataquen las tentaciones como siempre, y como la mujer debil q soy sucumba (esa palabra es correcta?) ante ellas y entonces si que si que la cague. Y yo que de ataques de conciencia no puedo padecer mas... termino confesandoselo y arruinandolo todo. gracias a mis genes q no sali tan bonita, asi no me asechan las tentaciones ni los arepentimientos. yo en este preciso momento encuentro a todo perfecto. ahora si solo el pusiera de su parte. si supieran que mis pasados rechazos ante sus propuestas de noviazgo eran por miedo a lo palgo q es ese bugarron. si con el no dudo q dentro de algunos meses tenga dificultad para salir por la puerta si no es q salgo de lado. las ganas de tatuarle la N de verdad no son pocas... propiedad privada ladies, favor de no tocar. y si se dijera que el chiko fuese tan bien parecido, es mas, gracias a SUS genes q no lo es pq entonces menos dormiria en las noches. ay santo, si con las pasadas mujerazas que ha tenido ese suertudo yo me siento hasta under qualified para el puesto. no se como lo hace, pq para impresionar a esas futuras miss universos creo que toma un poco mas que su bella sonrisa (comentario increiblemente sarcastico ya que mi amado tiene una sonrisa casi inglesa) pero si, las tuvo y yo fui testigo de esas relaciones siendo su en aquellos entonces mejor amiga. me siento inferior...como nelson ned tratando de orinar y no le llega al (pronounced in enlgish pq no stoy segura si asi se dice en español) urinal. pero a la misma vez pienso, coño, esta conmigo y no con ellas... algo debo tener que ellas no. pero eso no ayuda! tiene esos cuerpazos en sus recuerdos, y debe comparar... bah carmen olvidate de eso, que si no eres una modelo? que si no tienes el pelo lacio y los ojos claros y tu cuerpo no es precisamente escultural? disfruta el momento, ni que el fuera algun adonis digno de admirar... bueno si, te babeas por el pero reconoces q no es para nada perfecto y aun asi lo amas con ciega conviccion. y de eso se trata, del amor ciego pero puro. espero q tanto el como yo tardemos en abrir los ojos ...
4 dyslexic breaths| exhale

Update. [16 Jul 2004|10:37am]
[ mood | content ]

El...all's well. me impresiona saber que esta intentando dejar sus vicios, o disminuir su abuso. me llena de un placer sin descripcion su deseo de vivir, el que al fin intente hacer algo con su vida. dudo que dure mas de algunos dias... pero es la intencion lo que cuenta. pronto vuelve a estudiar, y kizas se consiga un trabajito para costear gastos de ambicion y mejora; cosas para su musica. quiero verlo feliz, me satisface tanto que cualquiera se burlaria de mi manifestacion de amor tan cliché. no quisiera desalentarlo con mi negativismo, solo quiero ofrecerle el apoyo incondicional mio. es la persona que mas orgullosa me hace sentir en el mundo, por ser quien es, tal y como es, y por querer ser mas. cuando creia q todo estaba cerca del un final que llegaria antes de lo esperado, con sus palabras me aviso de un nuevo comienzo... espero q no hayan sido solo palabras y se haga verbo la intencion. me devuelves el pulso con tu voz cuando siendo que muero por tu silencio.

Ella... de ella no se nada, no me atrevo a llamarla, deberia. no sabria como empezar la conversacion, a veces me intimida el poder disgustarle de algun modo, por eso muchas veces temo hablarle. le enviare un email, eso hare; todo lo posible por evadir un tartamudeo constante y unos suspiros irremediables.

Yo estoy terminando los procesos de matricula en la Universidad de Puerto Rico recinto de Rio Piedras, no me siento muy preparada que digamos, pero estoy ansiosa de comenzar. que masoquista yo, sabiendo que ese primer dia de clases estare con la ansiedad revolvandome el intestino, de carreritas ante toda introduccion a mi nuevo instituto diestro.

exhale

... [01 Jul 2004|02:58pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

There abounds a certain feeling of wrongness within me, a feeling that compels me to need him, someone, anyone, so much. I've been having this feelings the past 3 days, nothing makes sense, everything seems illogical and even my love for him does not feel corresponded. I feel alone, as i've always felt; but in this state the feeling is intensified. And amidst this mental confusion I'm surprised I'm thinking of her. She is bringing me some sort of peace and comfort this moment. Saturday will be a long day, "ill meet her at the local capitalist center and then head on with her to a show. My best friends bday is saturday, we're going to celebrate it at the beach, I hope he or she could be there... I don't want to feel like this anymore.

exhale

amor vincit omnio [25 Jun 2004|11:32pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

Ayer, por primera vez, fui totalmente sincera con mis sentimientos. Ayer abri la caja y deje libre a la niña que dentro de ella yacía temerosa e inhibida. Dos páginas de confesiones que antes de ser concretas ya mi mirada delataba; convertí abstracciónes palabra, verdad y hecho. Y me sorprendiste, con tu respuesta derribaste paredes de inseguridad sin fundamento y me hiciste ver lo bello que es sentir sin temores a decepciones que aun no ocurren. Agradezco tu existencia al punto de que podría morir hoy con una sonrisa por que hoy me siento en paz, por que ayer te amé y lo supiste. El momento no pudo haber sido mas perfecto y tus ojos no pudieron haberse visto mas hermosos y tus besos mas intensos. Ayer aprendí que apesar de los contratiempos que intentan desviar el destino que uno propone hacer realidad, la verdad siempre encuentra el momento para salir a relucir. Aprendí que la paciencia lo puede todo, y hace el sentimiento y la satisfacción de expresarlo se sienta mas palpáble... y en el momento de la confesión el alivio es increíble. No tienes idea de cuanto te agradezco tu reciprocidad. Te amo tanto que hasta los dedos me tiemblan de ansiedad al escribirlo, y la lengua se me confunde por temor a expresarlo, pero mis ojos todo lo dicen, y estos ojos que en su maravillado estado brillan y destellan puro amor te confiesan con casi lágrimas que te amo... Ayer fue un dia de confesiones, un dia de dejar volar los sentimientos, de abrir cajas vacías y dejar entrar sujetos confiables que traen felicidad en su mirada. Ayer fue un dia para mi historia, un bonito recuerdo, y un fuerte latido en mi corazón. y hoy no necesito nada, por que soy feliz.

12 dyslexic breaths| exhale

Carmen a la barbacoa [09 Jun 2004|04:23pm]
[ mood | sunburnt ]

These past few days I've strayed from my usual day to day routines and ventured off into my own water world, at ocean park. Quite surprising for those who know me and my "i must wear 4 layers of clothing cause im insecure about my skin" ways, I actually made use of a bikini,a rainbow colored one in fact; at a gay beach. huge NO NO, despite the unperfectness of my deformed body, disappointing those who made bets that I would swim in jeans and a long-sleeved shirt. I am now a victim of the sun's rays and feel like a crisp piece of fried pork skin, and my lovely paleness now so cruelly turned into a painful reddish color.

Mental note: next time make use of the ever popular "sunblock".

I am now a mass of different hues/shades/colors and I feel so very uncomfortable with this.

exhale

darned migraines. [07 Jun 2004|09:27pm]
[ mood | apathetic ]

ow.

I'm concluding that my constant headaches are being caused by a chip implanted on my brain by either

a: being of another planet, or
b: secret agents

both of which want to monitor my thoughts therefore reassuring my usual paranoic tendencies. I used to t hink my headaches were caused by a brain tumor, but knowing this, a brain tumor seems highly unlikely.

I've been invited to a pool... I'm too fat for a pool.

I'll post an update on the headache situation soon.

4 dyslexic breaths| exhale

ill continue later on.,, [07 Jun 2004|07:38pm]
Theres but little breath left on the boundary of this life and next.

Not knowing if i'll be here next morning,

why try to trick death
with life-schemes for a permanent future?
exhale

The decay of an utopic eternity [06 Jun 2004|09:30pm]
[ mood | nostalgic ]

These days, mornings, nights, dusks and dawns, have been new and enlightening to my person. I've to discover what's yet to be discovered within me; my actions, my purposes. I found that, apart from truth, what I seek in life is security. As a child, me holding on to my mothers night clothes, objecting to having to move from apartment to apartment, and as a member of the teenage race seeking stability within relationships and on personal matters.

Life is an open endless gift box, I take and take, and it, in turn, takes and takes out of me. The sentimental carcasses that run rampant through the passages of the labyrinth in my mind and soul, dead but still quite present, gone long ago but still aching; dead so long ago yet I'm still mourning losses. For your minds to understand, I'm a being of limited resources, and they take, and they take, and they leave... with all they took; and all of a sudden I'm feeling so empty. Therein lies the security I seek, for them to not leave, and stay, and make me feel secure, safe. Perhaps that's the reason I fell in love; only he could offer me security when others did/could/would not; and I fear that if I lose what little security I have, I shall lose what little resources I have, and I will be truly void of anything and everything; because love is not making you feel full, it's just keeping you from feeling empty. Still what I've lost I cannot regain, and in times passing I shall lose more and more, what you gain you will soon enough lose because there is nothing secure in life; not love, nor friendship. The frailty of happiness in this still pointless existence, my makeshift utopia, my own lie. Must stop giving more than I can afford to have them take.



When we talk of bearing crosses, its your loss I have to bear
in the times I live these losses its my heart what has to tear
but for now I have to hold you, in my arms is where your born
I would kill myself, to capture this moment, and not have your loss to mourn

exhale

absolute drama [05 Jun 2004|08:21pm]
[ mood | unamazed ]

on and off and on and off...and on. ya no me simpatiza. mas showceros los dos. i've slept only an hour since yesterday, i've been in his arms all through the night, and come morning la casa de la reconciliacion lived up to its name. i should really stop writing about him, its just TOO cheesy

exhale

short stories with tragic endings eh? [04 Jun 2004|06:16pm]
[ mood | blank ]

Wow. no tengo palabras, ni sentimientos; como tenerlos si con una simple frase me los arrebatastes y me dejastes este vacío? me siento tan estúpida, un tanto dramática...pero fue tan predecible. Durante estos últimos días sentí que todo lo que hacías era una excusa para una discusión que hoy culminó. Una llamada, luego dos, fueron las que provocaron tanta inseguridad en mi. No se si creer en rumores, pero pues, nunca confié en ti asi que no tengo remedio. Y hoy te hartaste, no te culpo. No pienso llamarte llorando, no tengo ánimos suficientes para hacerlo. Pero abunda en mi el dolor y el vació. que trágica. No quiero dramas, aunque me dijeras que fue algo impulsivo lo que dijistes, aunque me confesaras que no quieres mandarme al carajo... no quiero dramas, las cosas están mejor así. pero me duele. y no sabes cuanto. y no me lo creerías, si apenas tengo lágrimas para comprobarlo.

siempre yo. la culpable; siempre yo.

exhale

3-way [03 Jun 2004|12:08am]
[ mood | confused ]

Everything's well, I suppose. sacrificio released their cd, it's "meh"... but their cd release party was awesome. it was like a "whos ever dated Carmen" convention, it was both unconfortable and exhilirating. I met Jay, once again. good things come to those who wait. soft lips, awkward silent moments, and butterfinger.

My current on the other hand... he worries me. sometimes he just seems so uninterested, yet he doesnt leave, he doesnt go away... he's there. it's like he cared enough for me to want to be by my side but is realizing i'm actually a real bore. i feel sorry for him. this is just one of my many frustrations, because of things like these, i limit myself so. so many things that are best left unsaid, bottled up, buried within me, waiting to wash ashore.

His sister, i belive she's only using me... doesn't bother me. i just dont want to play the fool. not being a fool, main reason for being as dettached with everyone as i am.

2 girls and a guy, decisions decisions. life is ever so eventful *smile*

*cant take the close to you carpenters song out of my head.*

exhale

AHHHH! [20 May 2004|01:06am]
[ mood | frustrated ]

why oh why is it so hard?! i couldnt even stand a day seeing him without kissing him. evil, evil man. i adore him with conviction. damn that man, damn him! why must i be so weak?

exhale

even im confused [05 May 2004|09:33pm]
[ mood | content ]

Perhaps if I write it down it'll help to organize my thoughts so you can understand, and I...

asunto: Lo aleje, a el y a ella y potenciales otros.

razon: No confio en el, en ella, y en potenciales otros.

proposito: Necesito crecer. liberarme de mis inseguridades, para poder ser feliz, con el, no con ella, ni con potenciales otros.


Desde el primero no ha habido pausa. las experiencias son continuas y la dependencia es creciente. nunca he estado realmente sola, me dice un amigo; y tiene razon. tengo tantas inseguridades que no me permiten disfrutar del todo de mis relaciones, por que existe ese factor desconfianza; ese factor negatividad que excede al factor ilusion, belleza, verdad;amor. a consecuencia de esto me auto-defini como una persona "infeliz". una y otra vez he buscado apaciguar mis inseguridades en las manos de estas ilusorias esperanzas, y enganosas verdades; mendigando consuelo, y al final creo una dependencia a pesar de que son personas dispensables ya que nunca relamente me permito depender a tal punto de no poder vivir sin ellos. no es a ellos a quienes necesito, no es a ELLOS, es a la seguridad que me brindan y a la estabilidad emocional que me otorgan. asi que decidi alejarme de el, para no hacerle da~o, para que no me haga da~o a mi sobretodo. no quiero depender de el. necesito tiempo para crecer, para madurar, para transfigurar mis defectos en virtudes, para ser autosuficiente. necesito estar sola un tiempo para quizas algun dia poder quererlo bien. si, eso es lo que quiero. pero no, entonces estaria haciendo esto por el, y no por mi; no es asi. hago esto para poder querer a la persona, quien sea, que vaya a ser mi pareja. no es cierto. lo hago por nosotros. pero me ayudara a mi en especial para poder ser feliz con potenciales otros. y habiendo tomado esta decision no estoy ni feliz ni triste, sino vacia; pero no me siento mal. hablamos a diario y su voz es mi consuelo, aun somos amigos, y precisamente eso necesito para recuperar la confianza que, antes de ser mi pareja, le tuve. pero no lo extrano ni lo necesito del todo. se que tome la decision correcta por como me siento, no quiero saber de hombres, ni mujeres, no quiero saber de sexo ni de amor. im embarking a journey of self discovery (masturbation not included) and im doing well. si lees esto, no dudes de mis intenciones, ni de mis sentimientos. te quise antes, te quiero aun, y lo mas probable te querre siempre.

Tu amiga, por sobre todas las cosas:
lili.

exhale

Oh boy... [01 May 2004|08:58pm]
[ mood | vacant ]

...what have I done?

"hunger hurts. but starving works. when it costs too much to love."

i needed some alone time.

exhale

[28 Apr 2004|11:44pm]
[ mood | emo ]

Confusion intoxicates my every loving thought. why must I distrust you so? im building negative memories on things we've never even said, im so jung up on insecurity i cant let go.

Wishing on a lie to give me comfort
I find my heart afflicted by the truth suspicion spews
your love is a truth that proves to be more masked than bare.
Maybe im just a sceptic,
but i dont feel as much loved as i feel used.
I wish I had the proof necessary
to regurgitate out my truth and let you know
Ive hoped this love was illusory
so theres nothing to tie me back and i could let go.
and baby all these thoughts make me hate you
love and truth are knocking at my doors
i wish i had the courage to go answer
but suspicion is my chaperon
my guide, my grudging ward.
I harbor myself within its walls and waste away this relationships youth
and from within i can hear you calling,
and you say you whisper truth
Maybe im just a sceptic
speculative, incertain, unprotected.
perhaps youre just the strength i need to break through
and i need me some saving,
I need the real truth.
baby, maybe Im just a sceptic...
and im just afraid the message got through.

oh god, how pathetic. even my writing suffers my sudden outbursts of being emo. hopefully no one will read this, and therefore i will feel no shame.

exhale

bare [13 Apr 2004|09:55pm]
[ mood | insecure ]

I shouldnt fiddle with decision making, my instincts never work in my favor, much less when influenced by this overwhelming need to be at your side.

Circumstances have come a long way since our "hopesfall moment" and our repressed desires. we sigh with no need for remorse. and my hesitation is no longer a fear of being alone, its more a matter of me being alone, without YOU. you would have no idea how lifeless this night seems, how lifeless my heart, when i dont hear your voice, or feel your heartbeat. this is more than what i bargained for, im overwhelmed. si tan solo estas palabras pudieran hacer eco en tu interior y no estuviera publicandolas en este espacio que poco le importa, y que jamas reacciona. te las quisiera decir para que atraviesen los conceptos de tiempo y espacio que nos separan. que todo culmine con un suspiro en tus brazos. halt maturity, cease growth, evito crecer manteniendome pueril dentro de esta crisalida. pero no puedo evitar sentir tus palabras retumbar en las paredes de mi inseguridad. me pongo en riesgo.

strip me of my armor why dont u, make me knock on the doors of your love, seeking protection.

exhale

*sigh*... [30 Mar 2004|10:12pm]
[ mood | content ]

Went today to Plaza Las Americas. Roby Draco was there, and so were many a screaming fan... I was unamused by it. I was having a tough day but then I saw my dear one there, and also his lovely lovely sister (bites lip), it did me good. his lips are so tempting, so sweet... so satisfying yet leave me wanting more... 2 hours weren't enough to be with him... I needed at least the whole night to feel satisfied. *roll eyes* ah yes, passion and a hint of love, I am at peace.

exhale

Of new and old. [14 Mar 2004|08:43pm]
[ mood | calm ]

Sunday I got a lip piercing, on my right side... first it was my insecurity, then it was the distance, NOW it is my lip piercing that prevents me from wanting to do what I want to do with my dear partner. poop. Speaking of... this is strange, I didnt think I'd recover from a certain loss so quickly, fact is... I havent, but this new man has the ability of numbing my pain so easily. I adore him, what we have is so romantic. The tears, the phone calls, the hugs, the abstinence. I'd say this is the first relationship in which i dont feel any pressure whatsoever. He is my drug, my valium... i need another dose. Drugs are bad, he should know... they just numb us, false hopes... everything he says I feel it to be so fake. I am just insecure. I care for him alot, I care for him more than I feel I need him, and thats alot... I always need someone. Thing is Im not with him because I need him, though I do... geez Im so confused. Im just with him, and I feel happy... I feel like myself. He had always been the perfect man for me and I hadnt accepted it until now. Its really nice having the priviledge of knowing him. I'm not as scared with him as I was with Javier sometimes... I feel at peace. As for Javier... I often think about him... TOO often, I feel love for his memory... but I actually hate where he is now and how he is with me now. Still I wish him happiness.

exhale

Poema, havnt thought of a name for it yet. [13 Feb 2004|09:47pm]
[ mood | creative ]

Era yo la náyade
joven y desnuda,
cubierta por el manto de la ignorancia;
ahogada en tus aguas turbias,
que en su proceloso cauce
enrredada me llevó,
y ahogó mi inocencia
y de mi escencia me despojó.

En tus brazos mujer nací;
inesperada, prematura.
Aquella de sonrisa tenue
y de mirada inmadura,
que sometida a tí, transfigura.

Fuí la brisa pura.
El indómito viento,
que en su movimiento,
pudiste capturar
con la promesa de un siempre,
con la lengua que tenta, hierve, miente,
me lograste subyugar.

Ante tus ojos glaucos;
tu mirar que confunde tiempo y espacio,
nací mujer
que, siendo niña,
se dejó llevar.

Bajo este mundo sublunar,
entre las estrellas me confieso.
Siendo este el cenit de mi soledad y sufrimiento,
y mis sollozos, de aire, mi úico sustento,
Todo, aunque nada... lo lamento.

exhale

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